This will be my second foray into trying to give you a glimpse of what it is like to work with the British. I thought it would be best to give you three examples of things I overheard from my compatriots and then try to explain them.
1. Surgeon #1 - 'You sir, are a cad and a charlatan of the highest order'
Surgeon #2 - 'You forget yourself, sir. You are nothing but a scamp and a scoundrel, and I heave my contempt at you'
Surgeon #1 - 'I find you to be a commoner and not even worthy of my scorn'.
Surgeon #2 - 'You sir, have been weighed and measured and found to be lacking in all redeemable qualities'
This is usually what I hear over my morning coffee (instant, no less). Full disclosure - I am Surgeon #1!
2. 'Oi! Some bloody pikey nicked my trainers'!
You see, we had a British Orthopaedic Registrar (Resident in training) and every time he changed into scrubs one of the head surgeons would steal his shoes and hide them. I have to admit, by the time he left I was doing it as well. A pikey, by the way is a gypsy and trainers are tennis shoes.
3. General Medical Officer on morning rounds presenting a patient - 'Patient XYZ is here for Helmand fever and has been pyrexial over night. He opened his bowels three times in 12 hours. We started a giving set and this morning he feels better and is currently outside sucking a fag'.
I don't even know where to begin. Suffice it to say he was sick, had a fever, pooped (3 times), they started an IV and he is now outside smoking a cigarette.
Aside from their medical terminology, I've also had to learn their terms for tea and coffee (of which they have about 10 times per day). You see, when you make yourself a cup you also have to offer to make everyone else in the room a cup. This is disconcerting when you walk into the lounge and find 12 doctors sitting around. If you don't offer then you are called a Jack wet (not sure if this is good or bad). To make things easier they have codified them:
A Whoopi Goldberg or Black Nun (she played one in a movie) is black coffee, no sugar.
A Julie Andrews or White Nun (Sound of Music) is coffee one cream, no sugar
NATO is cream and two sugars
Hugh Grant is black coffee, two sugars (he was arrested for prostitution)
'I got it, three Whoopi's, two Julie Andrews, a NATO and three Hugh Grants.'
Other interesting tid bits:
- One night I was taking care of a Afghani translator who worked for the Brits. He had an injury that I had to operate on and was in the process of consenting him. I explained the risks and benefits to him to include bleeding, nerve damage, infection, blood clots, etc. I went into great detail about what I intended to do and advised him that I thought his recovery would be uneventful, if not painful. His first words after this 15 minute endeavor in perfect english - 'Could you please have a British Surgeon explain this to me, I can't understand your accent'. Seriously?
- Many of the Surgeons here have trained in the U.S. at some point or another. They all have somewhat of an understanding of American sports. They also all have a favorite American sports team and none of them are necessarily from where they lived. They also, incidently, are some of the worst teams in their respective leagues. For example - Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals, Baltimore Orioles, Golden State Warriors and of course the Dallas Cowboys. No Phillies fans yet, but I'm working on it.
- The Brits are a bit less constrained by social morals when it comes to daily newspapers and magazines. One of their most widely read newspapers (similar to USA Today in the states) has a daily Page 3 girl. This is a girl who is posing nude next to an article about the World Bank and an advertisement for tires. Brilliant! The reading material in the Doctor's lounge includes: The New England Journal of Medicine, The Journal of the Royal College of Surgeons, Lancet (highly regarded medical journal), National Health Service Monthly, The Journal of the British Medical Society, and of course Nuts - a magazine similar to Playboy in the states, but much less tasteful. By the way, we voted and Nuts is now the official medical journal of British and American Orthopaedic surgeons at Camp Bastion.
- Recently there was a British Journalist who was here interviewing the British Doctors about their experiences while deployed. Since I have started talking a lot like an Elizibeathen aristocrat they thought it would be a good idea to dress me up in a British Uniform and have them interview me. Tune in to BBC channel 2 on October 15th at 9:30 to see British Orthopaedic Surgeon Headly Lamar interviewed about his experiences at Bastion.
- Supposedly the British are having a reunion in January in Portsmouth (England) to recognize the contributions of their medical team to this deployment. It's called a 'Medal Parade', and from what I'm told it is quite an important event. Apparently they get to invite 3 to 5 of the Americans they worked with to join them (at who's expense I'm not sure) and they all get to vote for whom they want to invite. So far I'm the highest vote getter, however they tell me it is so they can tar and feather me on their own soil. Brilliant!
111 days BOG, 138 away from home.
All for now.
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